WHEN it comes to pregnancy and parenthood, social media tends to only offer us the highlights - so, what about the taboo subjects? 

Well, Victoria Emes, 38, who lives with husband Rob and their two children aged five and two-and-a-half, has offered a real guide to birth and beyond in her very candid new book, Welcome To Motherhood B******.

Here, the mother-of-two speaks exclusively to Fabulous about everything from perineal massages and unexpected haemorrhoids to pruning the vagina for birth...

"When it comes to birth preparation one thing I wasn't prepared for was my husband attempting to do the perineal massage. 

We only tried it once because it was probably the lowest moment of our relationship. 

In that moment of him rustling around down there I was thinking, 'this is so awkward.' 

I had to tell him to stop. It was like, 'do you know what mate? Well done for getting involved but this is too weird.

Then we went back downstairs, had a cup of tea and agreed never to talk about that one ever again.

Another thing I worried about before birth was whether to prepare the bush for an audience.

I decided to do it but once you're nine months pregnant you're so big you can't see your own vagina.

I got the Veet out, slathered it on and had to stand in that crab stance.

But I'd put 4st 7lb on with my first child and keeping the crab position was physically impossible. 

As I kept going in and out of the crab stance I could just feel the cream disappearing and was thinking, 'where is this going?' 

About two minutes later, I just started to really feel a burn in my bum. It felt like I'd stripped a layer of epidermis off me.

I had to get into the shower to wash it all off and my a*** was so red afterwards it was insane.

Worst of all, because I was moving around so much, it just took out patches of hair...so my vagina looked like a screwed up Brillo Pad.

I also wasn't expecting haemorrhoids to be quite literally such a massive thing during labour - they were horrendous.

I completely pooed myself in labour, too. In my first labour the midwife had held me to try and keep it intact.

The second time round the midwife was downstairs so it was just me and my husband.

The first time is really nerve-wracking for anyone because you are like, 'have I got a massive vagina? Is it going to feel the same?

I'd just started violently pooing and bless him, he was catching it in his hands and just pouring it into the toilet over my head...but then he decided to hold my haemorrhoid because it looked so massive.

He saw the midwife doing it in the first labour so I think he thought it'd be helpful...but it really wasn't. That was another wonderful moment in our relationship.

Then there was the postnatal sex. I had two very different experiences. With my first child sex came about three months afterwards, but with my second it was a year.

The fact we already had a toddler didn't help...they are the biggest c****blockers of all time!

The first time is really nerve-wracking for anyone because you are like, 'have I got a massive vagina? Is it going to feel the same?

I was always very good with my pelvic floor exercises and in fact, it didn't feel any different!"

Welcome to Motherhood, B***** by Victoria Emes is out now. Published by HarperNonFiction, £14.99

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